NaBloPoMo 11.20.09

Saber Tooth.

NaBloPoMo wouldn't be complete without a post about my gym. (If you're ever hard-up for something to write about, just visit my gym; you'll walk out with a week's worth of shit guaranteed.)

Today's installment of Tales From the Gym involves the saddest thing I've ever seen on a treadmill and the scariest thing I've ever seen in pink sweatpants.

First the sad. During my workout, I notice this boy on one of the treadmills. He keeps looking around frantically, checking his watch, and looking terribly distracted. All this while a giant TV above him blasts SportsCenter. How could any self-respecting guy be distracted from that? Then, while I'm finishing up my workout on the elliptical (in case you want to know, my Friday workout consists of a workout sandwich: cardio, weights, cardio), I notice this boy is still looking around, checking his watch, straining to look into the parking lot. Obviously he was waiting for someone. Did he get stood up by some chick? It certainly seemed like it...I doubt he'd be that worked up if one of his buddies was a little late. He literally spent his time on the treadmill either looking at his watch, wrenching his neck around to scope out the people in the gym (maybe she's hiding!), and looking at the parking lot. I felt bad for him until he got so distracted by trying to scope out the parking lot that he actually FELL OFF THE TREADMILL. No wonder she didn't show, dude.

Now on to the scary. As I was working on my hamstrings, I noticed something bright pink out of the corner of my eye. I've mentioned before that I go to a "no-frills" gym. None of the women care about what they wear (clearly established here, here, and here) and don't feel the need to cake on make-up before they work out. This woman must not have gotten that memo. This was the second day in a row that I saw her, and she was wearing the same bright pink sweatpants perfectly rolled up under her knees, a white sports bra, and matching pink gloves. Her blond coif was pulled up into a pony tail revealing a face full of make-up. She is very thin (meth thin) and clearly thinks her body is worth showing off. While she works out, she looks around to make sure that everyone is watching her. She parades around the gym, making sure she goes out of her way to walk past the 20-something boys. Here's the thing: it would be humorous if she wasn't in her frickin' 50s! I'm not great with judging age, but she has the face of someone in at least their 50s (either that or she's actually 25 and has spent way too much time in the sun). She barely works out; she just parades around hoping someone will notice her (perhaps that's why she opts for the bright pink sweat pants?). The most disturbing thing today was her nipple jewelry. It's hot in the gym, there is no way she could have been nipping out that bad. I seriously think she was wearing nipple enhancements or something. It was like headlights coming at you...you wanted to look away but couldn't. Gahhhh! She may think she's a Cougar, but Cougar's aren't nearly a scary enough label for this woman. Therefore, I am hereby deeming her: Saber Tooth Tiger. Keep your hands out of the cage, kiddies.