Please Pass the Soap

Dear Home Goods,

I am writing to ask that you take down the large "Customer Service" sign you have placed above your check-out registers in your store.

According to Wikipedia, "Customer service is the provision of service or assistance to customers before, during and after a purchase." I argue that you didn't provide any of this; or, at least, you didn't provide it well enough to warrant the gigantic sign proclaiming such service.

While shopping for a shower curtain in your crap-tastic store, I passed several disgruntled employees, one of whom yelled for another employee so loudly that I actually jumped. Another employee had a bunch of odds & ends of crap strewn throughout one of the isles. When I attempted to go down this isle, I was quickly met with a "Oh I don't think so," glare from said employee. At this point, I gave up and headed to the check-outs with my shower curtain.

I made my way toward the large "Customer Service" sign. I was only able to get about half-way to the sign because the line of customers waiting to check out was about 15 people long and winding like a snake through the inconveniently placed kiosks of seasonal decor. As I stood there staring at the ass of a Thanksgiving turkey decoration, I pondered the reasons this store had chosen to staff one cashier during the lunch hour. Surely a store like this is used to being busy this time of day, what with all the nearby businesses that apparently employ crazy women who like to waddle around this store and buy things they don't need (zip your lid...I NEEDED this shower curtain for our cabin). Also, there is a Christopher & Banks nearby so after these women purchase hideous outfits from there, they probably like to cap their shopping trip off with a garden gnome, marble bird bath, a wreath made of fake flowers, or an oversized poster of Audrey Hepburn with her extra long cigarette holder.

As I'm thinking this over, the lone woman running the "Customer Service" area pages another employee to help ring up the customers. She might as well have sung the chorus of "The Humpty Dance" over the intercom because the other employee never showed up. The lone woman proceeded to apologize to everyone, but never bothered to call a different employee or perhaps use a more stern tone over the intercom (I telepathically suggest, "Bitch, get to your register!" to no avail). By the time I got to the front of the line, I had forgotten why I was standing in the line to begin with. I looked blankly at the cashier before realizing I had placed the shower curtain under my arm. What's going on? Where am I? What year is it?

So, to summarize, your provision of customer service to me before, during, and after my purchase sucked the big one. Before I made my purchase, I became angry and disoriented. During my purchase, I was frustrated because the cashier had to head half-way across the store to swipe my credit card because her machine didn't work. And after the purchase I was prompted to write you this hate-letter, which uses up my precious time.

You don't deliver on your giant Customer Service proclamation and therefore should take that stupid sign down and replace it with a more accurate sign which reads "Prepare to Be Pissed Off Here."

Best,

Katherine

P.S. Please know that when I'm using the shower curtain I stood in line for 20 minutes to purchase from you, I will think of your store as I wash the crack of my ass.