Gym Etiquette

I'm sorry. I have really been resisting the urge to bitch about this, but I can hold out no longer.

I go to one of those "no frills" gyms. While a swimming pool would be just lovely, the thought of publicly displaying my whiteness in the middle of a Minnesota winter is simply not going to happen. I just need my cardio machines and some weights. So while my expectations on the amount of gym equipment is low, I suppose that my expectations of the patrons should be low as well. But it amazes me the stupidity with which some people move through life. I can only imagine that the gross sweaty man who drips all over the elliptical machine and doesn't wipe it off when he's done behaves in a similar manner at home. His wife is probably following him around the house wiping up his messes for him. And the inconsiderate a-hole who BLASTS the gym radio causing others to strain to hear through their earphones: yeah, his neighbors have probably called the police on him a few times.

My all-time favorite is the gentleman (and believe me, I'm using that word very loosely) who has just recently started to come to the gym during my workouts. He keeps his sunglasses on during his workouts. He's so very cool. He moves from the treadmill to the elliptical to the bikes without a care that he's leaving the machine sweaty and nasty for the next person. He moans ever so erotically when he lifts weights. I can hear it even though music is blasting into my ears via my headphones, muffled by the sound of the gym boombox cranked up to max volume. He counts out loud, very loudly, with a dramatic"ahhhhhhh" at the end. Something like this: "wwwwwwwoooooooonnnnnnnnggggghhhhhhaaaaaaaa... ttttttttttttooooooooooohhhhhhhhaaaaaaahhhhhh..." Again, I can hear this clear as a bell across the gym through my headphones over the cranked boombox.

So I've compiled a simple list of gym rules (just in case Sweaty or Joe Cool is reading this). To me they seem like no-brainers, but apparently some people out there need schooling in this.

1. Please don't work out in your work clothes. That is gross. It's distracting to watch you work out in a button-down blouse and trousers. And your co-workers most certainly will not appreciate the giant sweat stain on your back and your ass when you get back to work.

2. A follow-up to number 2: deodorant does not cover up the smell of someone who has ran on the treadmill for 30 minutes. Wash yourself, stinky.

3. It is inconsiderate to (a) crank the gym boombox up to a deafening level and (b) change the station without consulting your fellow gym-goers.

4. It is also inconsiderate to change the channel on the TV that someone else is CLEARLY watching (this means you, wicked gray-haired lady).

5. You're indoors. Take your sunglasses off.

6. I should not feel as though I have been subjected to bad porn after listening to you moan through each rep. Reduce the weight, you nasty bastard.

7. If you take the TV remote to your machine (which I can't blame you, what with the wicked gray-haired lady flipping channels all the time), then PUT IT BACK. I will call your mother.

8. Wipe off your sweaty machine when you're done sweating all over it!!!

9. Don't stare at others when they are working out. It's creepy.

10. Stare at yourself flexing in the mirror all you want, but it's not going to make you look any better. You look like a dumbass. And stop wearing that t-back tank.

Sigh.

I'm thinking of printing off this list and posting it at my gym. However, I'm sure all these idiots wouldn't get it. Why? Because you can't fix stupid.